Monday, March 11, 2013

I'm struggling

God gives us trials in our life to make us better, well I've never been able to see how having Daranee for a sister can make anyone even make the right choice let alone me.  I hate her.  I wish I didn't.  But everything she does aggravates me.  There is nothing that I haven't tried to make things work with her.  She is a selfish, ignorant, vicious, girl.  God made her the way she is so that she could make decisions to do the right things. I am not perfect.  SHE IS NOT PERFECT.  She has heard my dad tell me that she will be judged differently because of how she is.  THAT IS NOT TRUE. I have a very firm testimony of that.  Again. God gave man free agency so that they could CHOOSE to be with him.  Just because someone has some sort of mental illness does not mean that they are pardoned from the consequences of their sins and their decisions.  And saving people from those consequences denies them the lessons that God intends for them to learn.  There are people who struggle more than others.  fetal alcohol syndrome, shaken baby, downs, autism.  I get that.  they have a degree as to what they can and cannot decide for themselves.  But it kills me when parents try to pin their childs bad behavior and poor decisions on some sort of illness.  If they can choose what they like and hate they have the ability to choose from right and wrong.   I understand that my sister was different in heaven, but I wish I could see those divine qualities in her.  I struggle so much.  I have prayed and fasted and done everything I can think to do so that I can see what she is at her core.  I can not get past her cruelty.  I know she can't help being childish but I can't seem to accept it.  Most of that is because she knows she has had a problem and so she uses this as an excuse to get her way and to get away with things I never could.  Nor would I want to get away with the things she does. Lying, cheating, steeling, etc.  I do not understand her.  And the more I know her the less I want to.  I have tried for so so so long to be happy with her and I can't.  She knows how to be a nice person.  I've seen her be nicer to wild animals and complete strangers than she is to her own mother.  She does things on purpose that she knows hurts my feelings so that I will get angry at her and then she can go and cry to my parents to try and get me in trouble.  She tells me I don't act like a missionary.  How would she know when she doesn't even pay her tithing?  You have to live righteously to see righteously.  My parents seem to think that she can't do things like regular people.  I see that she can.  God would not have spared her the way he has unless he wanted her to make those kinds of decisions.  She needs to grow up a little.  They think she can't. I know she can.  And until she can I don't think I can ever truly have a sister.  That breaks my heart.  I feel like I have done everything I can and she has done everything she wants to do. which is nothing. 


  1. There is a book called the peacegiver. It is by James Ferrell. I know Granny or Alicyn have a copy. But you probably want your own. It talks about what you feel exactly. The thing is, you can't control another person, or change them, you can only change yourself. God didn't ask you to love her if she was different from what she is. He asked you to love her now. He wants you to find her divine traits now, Not just when she is easy to love. I know it is hard. I know you feel alone and that it isn't fair. However...... Your job is to love, not judge. Unless you know her innermost feelings, and promptings, and temptations, and her abilities to withstand, Unless you understand how her life has effected her emotionally for good or bad, you cannot make a judgement call. You can have an opinion, but only those who receive direct revelation for her (ie her parents, her bishop, etc) can be guided to know if her efforts are sincere.

    You will meet many people on your mission who will be struggling. They know right from wrong, and yet chose wrong. We all do at times. If you can't get past that and love them, and find the good in them, they will feel it, and you won't be able to help them. My mission taught me that, but even more than that....... I picked it up from school. How others treated people made a difference. I realized it was my job to be kind. This really came home when we took the girls from lifeline into our home. I was nervous to have girls who had stolen, done drugs, been arrested come into our home... however I grew to love all of those girls and I could see the good in each of them. We are not our actions. All of us are divine, and we all have our moments.

    Seriously read the peacegiver.... It is perfect. I love you.

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