Sunday, September 16, 2012
I'm just not a very positive person anymore. I'm so depressed and no one cares or takes it seriously. I'm sick of it. I'm always mad about it too. No one does anything to help. I asked my mom to help me make and appointment to get some pills or something and she always blows it off. She keeps saying "Well you seem to always get better". Yeah I SEEM to always get better. that doesn't mean I'm alright or even okay. Things are so stupid lately and I have no one to talk to about it. Yeah I could pray but I've done that. nothing. All it does is tell me yeah he loves me but a little help is apparently too much to ask for. I'm so lonely and I'm sick of it. And I don't like spending time upstairs with my parents much because we always get into a fight. They're always judging me and reminding me that I'm not good enough. That I don't match up to Kurtis or that I'm not going anywhere. Well a little support would help. I'm sure Ian helps all he can but he can't do a lot about it. It helps me when I can talk to him or see him. But he can't come see me so I always have to go see him and let me tell you gas is expensive. I took that for granted when he was the one always coming to see me. It'd be nice for him to come here though. Also I can't really talk to him a lot anymore because I work all day and then he's too busy by the time I'm home and I get up early so IF he calls me it's not for very long. Also we're on a different phone plan and I only have so many minutes so I can't call him unless it's after nine. And he won't call me that early. I asked for ten and it's still too early. Is it bad that somehow even though none of it is his fault I feel like I'm not as important to him anymore? :( Maybe that's for the best because of his mission. which by the way the call hasn't come yet and somehow I feel like that's my fault too.