>:(

I am so angry all of the time anymore I don't know what to do!!! It's my dad my sister and Ian that make me so angry.  I need a break from all of this... like a week away I hate my life so much right now.

A bit of a lot

Hello world! So gosh my life is so dramatic I never even knew it was until I read my older blogs and journal entries and stuff.  I count on other people to make me happy.  Not goo. Kriss is right about that.  But!! Seeing as how I've made a habit of that, Ian and I are no longer fighting (we were fighting very much) and I'm a lot happier.  But also I've been trying to be happy because I'm me.  I'm going on a mission for me and no one else.  Not even because it makes waiting easier.  That's not why I chose to serve.  I've always known I would be a missionary.  But I also know I want to be married before 25 so I always figured I'd have to wait till I was an old lady to go with my husband.  When the renouncement was made that girls can now go at 19 I was hysterical.  I was happy about boys going at 18.  I thought "Wow good for them :)" But then they said 19 for girls and my hands went straight to my mouth and I started sobbing.  It was an answer to so many of my prayers.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm going for selfish reasons.  I love the way I feel when I feel the spirit.  18 months of the constant companionship of the spirit is a very tempting prospect.  I love the way I feel when I serve others. Going on a mission, that's all I'll be doing.  And I love to love.  I love people and I love to make them happy.  I love to put a smile on someone's face. I always have.  I hope I can serve and help so many on my mission. But for the most part I'm going to build Zion and just simply because I want the experience and I want to feel my Saviors love for all of his children.  And hopefully going will help me to fully recognize my own individual worth and to rely on myself and the Gospel to be happy.  :)

Nothing's changed really except for I've decided to serve a mission of my own... I know I'm meant to.  But maybe it will help me too I don't know.  I'm still so lonely.  People don't seem to care.  Where I once was important now I'm a grievance.

:(

I'm just not a very positive person anymore.  I'm so depressed and no one cares or takes it seriously.  I'm sick of it.  I'm always mad about it too.  No one does anything to help. I asked my mom to help me make and appointment to get some pills or something and she always blows it off.  She keeps saying "Well you seem to always get better".  Yeah I SEEM to always get better.  that doesn't mean I'm alright or even okay.  Things are so stupid lately and I have no one to talk to about it. Yeah I could pray but I've done that. nothing. All it does is tell me yeah he loves me but a little help is apparently too much to ask for.  I'm so lonely and I'm sick of it.  And I don't like spending time upstairs with my parents much because we always get into a fight. They're always judging me and reminding me that I'm not good enough.  That I don't match up to Kurtis or that I'm not going anywhere.  Well a little support would help.  I'm sure Ian helps all he can but he can't do a lot about it. It helps me when I can talk to him or see him.  But he can't come see me so I always have to go see him and let me tell you gas is expensive.  I took that for granted when he was the one always coming to see me.  It'd be nice for him to come here though.  Also I can't really talk to him a lot anymore because I work all day and then he's too busy by the time I'm home and I get up early so IF he calls me it's not for very long.  Also we're on a different phone plan and I only have so many minutes so I can't call him unless it's after nine.  And he won't call me that early.  I asked for ten and it's still too early.  Is it bad that somehow even though none of it is his fault I feel like I'm not as important to him anymore? :( Maybe that's for the best because of his mission.  which by the way the call hasn't come yet and somehow I feel like that's my fault too.

Snoopy

My boyfriend is so snoopy.  But if he wasn't snoopy it wouldn't be the same and I kind of really like it that he is snoopy.  SO, taken in the fact that he has read things meant to be private, he can not be offended by anything he sees on my blog. :) So this is officially addressed to Ian.  Ian, you are very snoopy and I thoroughly enjoy it.  I think it's cute. You are not aloud to make fun of me for what I write either. Understood? Oh good! I'm glad we had this talk. :)

Being Selfish

You know, Ian will get his mission call soon and I'm a little upset.  It's not that I don't want him to go because I do.  Very much.  It's just we decided to break it off when he gets his call and to be perfectly honest, I don't want to.  But I know we have to. It really is for the best. I don't want to be selfish and have half his heart when all of it should be given to the Lord and the people he is sent to teach.  Plus a lot could happen in two years.  He asked me to wait but he told me to date around.  Both scare me.  A lot can happen.  I feel so selfish.  

Trying to start

So I've been trying the growing up thing...hasn't worked out yet lol. I planned on getting a job this summer but everything just keeps coming up.  Like Kurtis leaving for his mission. I'm so glad he made that decision by the way.  He'll do so good.  Well, anyways, getting a job is really overwhelming for me.  Honestly I'm content to not do anything! But I can't do that haha :P  I'm trying to get on with costco, they have nice benefits and the pay is more than minimum wage.  I've also spent all day so far doing online surveys and what not trying to get a scholarship.  Very boring.  I guess I'll get on FAFSA next.  So yeah, that's my pathetic attempt at life. Oh! Ian sent his mission papers in.  I'm happy and sad about that. Happy because that makes him marriage material for sure.  Sad because of all the bad things that could happen while he's gone.  He asked me to wait for him.  I said yes, of course.  But he also told me I need to date around while he's gone too. I'm grateful he did that.  But there's still that chance I could find someone that I really like. I don't want that to happen. I really like him.  But with him gone, I don't know, I'm just scared because I don't want that to happen.  And then there's no way I think his mom will ever like me.  I ask about it and he assures me she has no problem with me.  But that's hard to believe when you put all the pieces together.  He can never come here anymore and when I go up there it's not a good time for me to come over. On Saturday it was his birthday and My friend got married.  He was with me when I got the invite and I was told I could bring him.  He was aware of it for two months before the date.  I'm assuming his mother was too.  But come the day of the wedding, the car suddenly wont start.  The only way he can come is if I go pick him up from the restaurant.  K if that's how it's going to be, why not invite me to dinner?  It IS his birthday.  I AM important to him AND  his girlfriend. We've been together about five months and I've seen his family what? Twice the whole time.  I feel like his mother doesn't want to see me let alone have him see me.  Oh and get this, I had to drive him home and I had to sleep over at my Granny's house that night so he invited me to go to his singles ward with him.  Guess what car he showed up to pick me up in?  The black car that "wouldn't start" the day before.  So it won't start on only the day of something we've had planned for over two months but it will start the very next day for church???   He may be missing out on all the signs but I'm not.  His mom doesn't like me.  Maybe she thinks I'll ruin his chances of getting out into the mission field.  Not happening. I want him to go.  Maybe she's afraid I'll break his heart again.  I am too. Maybe that's why I wont.  I just don't know what to do about the situation with his mom.  It's not like we're going to be in much contact when he's gone.  She obviously doesn't like me or want me around.  It really hurts my feelings. :(  And I don't know how to talk about it to Ian.  That's his mom, whom he still calls "Mommy".  I can't really tell him that I'm under the impression that she hates me and that it's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to even suggest that we do something together for fear that she won't like it.    I don't know what to do.