I'm really starting to hate my life. 

I'm struggling

God gives us trials in our life to make us better, well I've never been able to see how having Daranee for a sister can make anyone even make the right choice let alone me.  I hate her.  I wish I didn't.  But everything she does aggravates me.  There is nothing that I haven't tried to make things work with her.  She is a selfish, ignorant, vicious, girl.  God made her the way she is so that she could make decisions to do the right things. I am not perfect.  SHE IS NOT PERFECT.  She has heard my dad tell me that she will be judged differently because of how she is.  THAT IS NOT TRUE. I have a very firm testimony of that.  Again. God gave man free agency so that they could CHOOSE to be with him.  Just because someone has some sort of mental illness does not mean that they are pardoned from the consequences of their sins and their decisions.  And saving people from those consequences denies them the lessons that God intends for them to learn.  There are people who struggle more than others.  fetal alcohol syndrome, shaken baby, downs, autism.  I get that.  they have a degree as to what they can and cannot decide for themselves.  But it kills me when parents try to pin their childs bad behavior and poor decisions on some sort of illness.  If they can choose what they like and hate they have the ability to choose from right and wrong.   I understand that my sister was different in heaven, but I wish I could see those divine qualities in her.  I struggle so much.  I have prayed and fasted and done everything I can think to do so that I can see what she is at her core.  I can not get past her cruelty.  I know she can't help being childish but I can't seem to accept it.  Most of that is because she knows she has had a problem and so she uses this as an excuse to get her way and to get away with things I never could.  Nor would I want to get away with the things she does. Lying, cheating, steeling, etc.  I do not understand her.  And the more I know her the less I want to.  I have tried for so so so long to be happy with her and I can't.  She knows how to be a nice person.  I've seen her be nicer to wild animals and complete strangers than she is to her own mother.  She does things on purpose that she knows hurts my feelings so that I will get angry at her and then she can go and cry to my parents to try and get me in trouble.  She tells me I don't act like a missionary.  How would she know when she doesn't even pay her tithing?  You have to live righteously to see righteously.  My parents seem to think that she can't do things like regular people.  I see that she can.  God would not have spared her the way he has unless he wanted her to make those kinds of decisions.  She needs to grow up a little.  They think she can't. I know she can.  And until she can I don't think I can ever truly have a sister.  That breaks my heart.  I feel like I have done everything I can and she has done everything she wants to do. which is nothing. 

>:(

I am so angry all of the time anymore I don't know what to do!!! It's my dad my sister and Ian that make me so angry.  I need a break from all of this... like a week away I hate my life so much right now.

A bit of a lot

Hello world! So gosh my life is so dramatic I never even knew it was until I read my older blogs and journal entries and stuff.  I count on other people to make me happy.  Not goo. Kriss is right about that.  But!! Seeing as how I've made a habit of that, Ian and I are no longer fighting (we were fighting very much) and I'm a lot happier.  But also I've been trying to be happy because I'm me.  I'm going on a mission for me and no one else.  Not even because it makes waiting easier.  That's not why I chose to serve.  I've always known I would be a missionary.  But I also know I want to be married before 25 so I always figured I'd have to wait till I was an old lady to go with my husband.  When the renouncement was made that girls can now go at 19 I was hysterical.  I was happy about boys going at 18.  I thought "Wow good for them :)" But then they said 19 for girls and my hands went straight to my mouth and I started sobbing.  It was an answer to so many of my prayers.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm going for selfish reasons.  I love the way I feel when I feel the spirit.  18 months of the constant companionship of the spirit is a very tempting prospect.  I love the way I feel when I serve others. Going on a mission, that's all I'll be doing.  And I love to love.  I love people and I love to make them happy.  I love to put a smile on someone's face. I always have.  I hope I can serve and help so many on my mission. But for the most part I'm going to build Zion and just simply because I want the experience and I want to feel my Saviors love for all of his children.  And hopefully going will help me to fully recognize my own individual worth and to rely on myself and the Gospel to be happy.  :)

Nothing's changed really except for I've decided to serve a mission of my own... I know I'm meant to.  But maybe it will help me too I don't know.  I'm still so lonely.  People don't seem to care.  Where I once was important now I'm a grievance.

:(

I'm just not a very positive person anymore.  I'm so depressed and no one cares or takes it seriously.  I'm sick of it.  I'm always mad about it too.  No one does anything to help. I asked my mom to help me make and appointment to get some pills or something and she always blows it off.  She keeps saying "Well you seem to always get better".  Yeah I SEEM to always get better.  that doesn't mean I'm alright or even okay.  Things are so stupid lately and I have no one to talk to about it. Yeah I could pray but I've done that. nothing. All it does is tell me yeah he loves me but a little help is apparently too much to ask for.  I'm so lonely and I'm sick of it.  And I don't like spending time upstairs with my parents much because we always get into a fight. They're always judging me and reminding me that I'm not good enough.  That I don't match up to Kurtis or that I'm not going anywhere.  Well a little support would help.  I'm sure Ian helps all he can but he can't do a lot about it. It helps me when I can talk to him or see him.  But he can't come see me so I always have to go see him and let me tell you gas is expensive.  I took that for granted when he was the one always coming to see me.  It'd be nice for him to come here though.  Also I can't really talk to him a lot anymore because I work all day and then he's too busy by the time I'm home and I get up early so IF he calls me it's not for very long.  Also we're on a different phone plan and I only have so many minutes so I can't call him unless it's after nine.  And he won't call me that early.  I asked for ten and it's still too early.  Is it bad that somehow even though none of it is his fault I feel like I'm not as important to him anymore? :( Maybe that's for the best because of his mission.  which by the way the call hasn't come yet and somehow I feel like that's my fault too.

Snoopy

My boyfriend is so snoopy.  But if he wasn't snoopy it wouldn't be the same and I kind of really like it that he is snoopy.  SO, taken in the fact that he has read things meant to be private, he can not be offended by anything he sees on my blog. :) So this is officially addressed to Ian.  Ian, you are very snoopy and I thoroughly enjoy it.  I think it's cute. You are not aloud to make fun of me for what I write either. Understood? Oh good! I'm glad we had this talk. :)